1,950 Pages

Another script sandbox. Whoopee!

Greetings, Agent Clank. Were you able to protect the Eye of Infinity?

'''Clank''': No. Not only that, I saw something quite disturbing!

Hold on. I am receiving a news feed from your location. I'll patch it through.

Good evening. Galactic police are reporting the Eye of Infinity, the largest pristine gem in the universe, has been stolen from the Boltaire Museum. In a surprising twist, Galactic hero, Ratchet, was caught at the scene of the crime

'''Ratchet''': Crime doesn't pay, huh? Well, I can tell you from experience that being a hero really doesn't pay! I'm still living in a tiny room with some two bit bag of bolts, but that's gonna change soon! The Eye has been taken where no one will ever find it. You may have me now, but there hasn't been a prison built that can hold me.

This is a sad turn of events for one of the Galaxy's foremost heroes. Darla Gratch, Channel 64 News.

I'm sorry, Agent, I know you and Ratchet are friends-..

'''Clank''': There is no way that was my friend. Run a complete retinal comparison on the news image.

The ID is positive, that was Ratchet.

Agent, there is no time to waste. I need you to re-enter the Museum and find out where the Eye has been taken. Inside the museum, you will find Robot Security Guards, Tank Bots, and Guard Dogs There are also several laser traps and alarm systems. The Eye was kept in this case Make your way to the case and search for anything that might give you an idea of the Eye's whereabouts. I know this has become personal for you, but we believe that this theft is part of a larger plan. It is imperative that you remain objective and complete the mission

I understand. I will report back with my findings.

Remember Agent, I've got my eye on you.

'''Clank''': Ancient Proverb: Mind your own beeswax. Made by - Use Your Noodle Cookie Company, Asyanica.

'''Clank''': I believe I have found a clue to the location of the Eye.

Of course! There's a thriving black market there. They must be trying to unload it.

'''Clank''': I do not recognize these coordinates. 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42?.

Hah-he-he. Silly, those are lucky numbers. I'll upload the coordinates for you.

'''Clank''': Thank you.

'''Ratchet''': Where am I? Who are you?

Awww, did we wake ya hero? You're in Galactic Ultra-High Security Lockdown. Cell number J7B to be exact. I'm your friendly Warden.

'''Ratchet''': How did I get here? The last thing I remember was brushing my teeth and then-..

Yeah, everyone in here is innocent. This may be a bit of a shock to the system, but if you want to survive in here for more than- today, you better have a little fight in ya.


It seems that a lot of these folks were put in here by you and they've got a score to settle.

Aren't you supposed to protect me?

Normally, I would, but I didn't think a big hero like yourself needed protecting.

Besides, I'm getting a little cash on the side to make sure your time in here is less than hospitable. Y'all take care now.

This is Asyanica. A lawless city run by the evil Number Woo and his robot ninja army. Crime is rampant in this neon jungle and every street could be a waiting deathtrap Since everything runs through his robotic fingers, we believe that Number Woo knows the whereabouts of the Eye. Track him down and get the information.


Ah, Agent Clank. You seem to have an electric personality. Ha-ha-haaaaa!

Once my ninjas power up this laser, it will destroy you. Permanently. Prepare to Die!!!

Bravo, Hector, Serpentine: go, go, go. The turkey is in the dishwasher!

I will be sure to send your regards to Number Woo. He-he-Heeee-he-he.

You seem to be tied up at the moment. I can come back later.

Wait! I can't let my minions see me like this.

Well, if you tell me the whereabouts of the Eye, perhaps I can be persuaded to let you go.

Fine. I was told to send it to Countess Ivana Lottabolts on Glaciara.

I see. Thank you for the information

I thought you were going to let me go?

And I thought you would try to kill me if I did. So, I opted not to.

Aaaarrrgghhh! Taste my laser Agent Clank!

Aaaahhh. I love the smell of destruction.

So, this is where the battle took place?

Yes, someday your grandchildren will read of my exploits here. Wait, do robots have grandchildren-or even children?

No matter. Soon the entire Galaxy will know of my greatness, thanks to the biography you're writing-um-whatever your name is

I am Biography Analysis Robot Neo Eight Yellow

Soooo-Barney it is. It all started when I received a distress call from the Asyianc-ian-ites saying that they needed a hero to combat the Mechanical Monster that had taken over their city. The winged menace was 50 feet high if he was an inch.

Luckily, I noticed a nearby growth pad. I made a few quick modification using a magnitudinal quantification on the vertex of an ellipse-..

Wait, that doesn't make any sense.

Were you there, nerdo?

No, sir.

I didn't think so. As I was saying, I adjusted some doohickies and stepped onto the platform, and immediately grew to gigantic size. I was now ready to battle the monstrosity.

Soooo, that's what you want me to write?

That's ma story and I'm stickin' to it!

Where to next?

Our next destination- excitement!

Oh, brother.

I dodged out of the way!

You have arrived at the palatial chalet of Countess Ivana Lottabolts. A woman of privilege, she inherited a huge fortune from her father, who brought civilization to this once barren ice comet. She may want to add the Eye of Infinity to her diamond collection. She is also a champion ballroom dancer and has a deep love of music

Good evening sir, the Countess is expecting me.

The rumors are true.

And vat rumors are dose?

That the most ravishing creature in all the Galaxy inhabits this palace Vell, aren't joo the leetle flatterer-Agent Clank.

I see you have heard rumors of your own.

Vy jes I have. I understand joo are lookink for zee Eye of Infinity.

That is on my agenda.

Perhaps I vill give joo zee information if joo prove yourself vorthy in a dance.

I have been told I am light on my feet.

Good. Because if joo are not-joo vill die!

Zat vas incredible. Joo have svept me off my feet the vay no ozer robot has!

It is your beauty that stirs the rhythm of my soul. Speaking of beauty, you said you had information on the Eye of Infinity?

Zee Eye vas just taken by my azzozziate to Zee Kingpeen on ze planet of Rionosis.

I see.

Perhaps vee could do ziss again sometime.


Guards! Seize him!!!

Agent Clank, we've received reports from our inside operative that Ratchet may be in serious trouble.

Well, son, looks like you survived-so far. I think a friend of yours wants to say hello
Hiyas Knucklehead! You remember me?


Last time we met you'se was shooting down my helicopter. You know what it feels like to hit the pavement from 800 feet?

Well, you're about to find out!

Our operatives were unable to dig up much on the Kingpin, which, considering our connections is pretty odd.

He has risen to power very quickly and controls a vast empire with dozens of Thugs at his disposal.

He is under extreme protection at all times and his main henchman is this robot, the Jack Of All Trades. 

Please be careful Agent, I want you back here in one piece.


Just a moment please. My shoe is untied.

Property of Le Paradis Des Tricheurs.

Ah yes, I know that casino well.

You are not the only one with an ace up their sleeve!

Hmmm-Jack of all Trades eh?

Excuse me?

This is where the magic happened, my friend!


My epic battle with... The Jack of All Trades!

Um, yes. That is an Ace, not a Jack.

You're really starting to cramp my style, Barney!

As I was saying. Jack and I were locked in battle mano e mano when my blaster jammed.

Thinking quickly, I grabbed the Suc-Vac 3000  from a nearby janitor's closet.

So, watcha doin' there pal?

I-um-am a sending the first draft of these stories back to the publisher.

Oooohhh. I just love the book biz.

Let me know what they think of my amazing adventures!

I will- I certainly will.

Using the information you gave us we were able to track the Eye to this crate. While it is important to retrieve the Eye it is more important to find out who is behind its theft.

Once it is taken into the Casino it may lead right to our target. Stay out of sight and keep your pretty green eyes on that crate.

Good evening sir. Could you sign for this please?

What is it?

It is the, um, display case for that. 

Kinda small don'tcha think?

I cannot help the way I was constructed, sir. It has been a burden the length of my existence.

Ohh, sorry fella. I didn't mean nothin' by it.

Have a good one!

Psssst. Ratchet! Over here.

Over here-in the can!

Slim Cognito! What are you doing here?

Seriously? After all the black market merchandise I've sold you, what do you think I'm doing here?

Good point. What do you want?

Ratchet. I am working to get you out of prison. I knew Slim was there and this is the only way I could get you a message.

I need a pass-code to get into the High Stakes room at the Le Paradis Des Tricheur casino.

Please find someone there with the code and transmit it back to me through Slim. Good luck, Ratchet- and hang in there!

I used to play in that game every week. I've got the code you need.

I don't have any bolts to pay you.

There are a lot of criminal types in here who would like to see me expire for selling them shoddy merchandise.

Protect me from them and the code is yours.

Monkey Pickle Pants.

Well, howdy pardner. It's nice to have a new face at the table- and a handsome face at that.

Thank ya kindly, miss. So how do you all play yer little game here?

Seems a mite simple for my taste, but I will give her a go. What are the stakes?

Whatta you got?

Here is the deed to my ranching planet. I will put her up against whatever you all have in that crate

You certainly seem to know what you want. I like that in a robot. We've got a deal.

Looks like I will have that crate and mosey along.

I am afraid that the prize you crave is no longer here.

Well, is that not a kick in the pants?

It has been taken to Venantonio where it will be reunited with its rightful owner.

You should not lose what you do not have.
Correction. You cannot lose what you do not have. 

Perhaps you'd like to stay and we can continue to exchange quips.

Maybe another time. I believe my hand here has already been played.

This city is home to a mutant race of Amoeboid creatures. They appear to be the only things that can survive in the acid filled canals. Our reconnaissance has shown that there maybe a secret lab hidden beneath the Opera House that was once the crown jewel of the city. Speaking of jewels, the Eye may be inside the lab. Check there first and find out. Oh, and be careful around the acid. I don't want that pretty face to get scarred

I am at the research facility now. Do you have any reconnaissance on this door?

The locking mechanisms for this door are the latest in high tech security.

Unfortunately, as much as we tried, we were unable to infiltrate its complex system of interconnected switches and auxiliary dead latches.

I will see what I can do with it. Clank out.

I hear that you're running a bit behind schedule on the laser. Perhaps I can persuade you to pick up the pace.

Ach! I svear I am doink evrysink possible to complete zis laser on time.

If you do not complete the laser, what ever will I do with this?

Hah, the rat has taken the cheese. I suppose he's expecting a chase, so-...

Vait! Who are you? Vat do joo vant?

I am Agent Clank and I am rescuing you from the Kingpin.

You would be surprised how often scientists are kidnapped,

Actually, thees ees mein third time. I'm ztarting to get joost to eet.

Do you know what the Kingpin wanted?

He zed he vood kill me unless a created a laser to help him break into zee bolt foundry. The Bolt Foundry! Why is it always about money?

By zee way, zee laser eez ready to go. I vas jest stalling because I sawt he vood kill me ven I finished.

Once I put the kibosh on his plans at the foundry, he will not be hurting anyone.

Sanks for zee rezcue. Auf wiedersehen!

Ooohohoho, nice ride.

You know, Barney, sometimes it's good to do things just for the sake of being nice.


Well, maybe for some people, but not for me. I need fame and fortune.

Like the fortune the people of this city gave me to save their little burg.

Save it from what?

Sorry, I can't tell you.

You can't tell me?
Nope, but I can sing it to you!

Ah, feels good to air out the old pipes again.

Remind me to tell you about the time I inflated a hot air balloon with my lungs.

Now that I can believe.

Who is King-pan?

He's the-ur-um-oh-the publisher. Marvin- Kingpan.

Oh, of course, good ol' Marv. Tell him I said hey!

This is Fort Sprocket. The Foundry where most of the Galaxy's bolts are held.

As you can imagine security here is extremely tight although our surveillance shows that the usual guards have been replaced by the Kingpin's men.

This is the Head Goon, he's the one you knocked out at the science lab, remember? He has been seen in the area of the main vault.

If you can stop him, you maybe be able to shut down the entire operation.

Heh heh-this is payback for that punch!

That is not possible. What am I doing?

Echo, Tango, Orion: go, go, go. The porcupine has eaten the snowman.

Thanks, boys. I owe you one.

It was a set-up. Somehow they made it look like I robbed the vault!

Really? Are you okay?.

Yes, I am fine, but if I am unable to locate the true culprits, I am going to be in hot water with the Galactic police.

Well, we've tracked the Kingpin to a Spaceship Graveyard at the edge of the galaxy. If you hurry, he may still be there.

I am on it.

Well I'll be a donkey's earmuff.


What're you doin' here?.

Honestly? I have no idea. How about you?

I got a call that these showers are out of freezing cold water. I just came to fix it.

Yeah, the showers have been unusually warm lately.

Here's the problem! Some idjit turned this off.

Gimme a hand with this, will ya?

Well, that was less than ideal.

Welp, looks like my work here is done. Good luck!

Since the Kingpin arrived at this location, there has been unusual activity in this area. A decommissioned satellite has been moved to a launch pad here. We're not sure what the Kingpin's plans are, but with unlimited funds, a powerful laser and a huge gem at his disposal, we are guessing it's not going to be good. Investigate the situation and report back.

Excellent. If you can't tell the difference, I doubt anyone else can.

Klunk!? What are you doing here?

I wouldn't worry about that. You have much more pressing issues to deal with.

Ugh- unhand me!

I was slightly worried that this cumbersome shell would slow me down enough for you to catch me, but, as usual, I overestimated you.

By the way, I do hope your ship is an automatic. I never learned to drive a stick.

Don't kill him too quickly boys.

Great, my ship is nowhere to be found. I appear to be... stranded.

Why is it that you don't need a breathing apparatus in the vacuum of space?

You know, that's the exact question the Space Nuns asked me after I saved them and the ship full of orphans from the Space Pirates and the Giant Kudzu.

Space Nuns?

And orphans! I was on routine patrol in the Delta sector when I heard the faint cry of a child-

You're missing some great stuff here.

Don't leave out any of the juicy details.


You know, I haven't really shown you what this baby can do when I open her up. Check this out!

Ahhh heh heh.

Hopefully, it is still operational. If I follow the signal of my ship I should find Klun-..

Agent Clank! We lost contact with you. What happened?

I finally know who is behind all of this. It is Klunk! He stole my ship and brought it here.

You mean the robot once created by Dr. Nefarious to replace you?

Yes. Do you have any additional information on him?

Here is his file.

Since you last saw him, Klunk's been working as a factory assembly line robot making high-tech toilet seats.

He abruptly quit on the same day that you and Ratchet celebrated your victory over Otto Destruct by visiting with the galactic President.

We have no information on him after that day.

Well, if he is there you should-...

The time has come for my wrath to be felt across the Galaxy!

While the establishment has me imprisoned, my associates have continued to put my plan in place. In a short time, I will destroy every planet in this galaxy at once unless I am set free and given my own planet to rule!The device is already in motion and only I can stop it

Are you still sure about Klunk? It looks like Ratchet might be in control.

I am telling you that is not Ratchet. I will find Klunk and prove it to you.

What're you doin' son?


That message you just sent. You got the entire prison riled up!

There's a prison break in progress and unless you can stop it, I'm holding you responsible.

Clank! Great to see you, old friend. The Warden let me have one call since I helped stop the prison break.

Ratchet? Is that really you?

Oh, it's me alright. Big floppy ears, big green eyes, big hands, big...


...Feet. What?

I am working to get you out of there.

I just picked up a lead. Hang in there, Ratchet, and I will see you soon.

Easy there, buddy. I'm just doin' me job.

Where is Klunk!

He's got an underwater headquarters on this planet. 

There's no way to get there unless you got a submarine.

Whoa! I fink I'm workin' for the wrong side.

It was quite a prickly situation that last brought me here.

What do you mean?.

I was asked by the local Fishmen to save their water.

The Ravenous Cactus beasts were poking holes in the Dam and stealing it and I was the only one who could stop them.


No. Fish-men.


Heh-heh. That's quite a drop.

Even for a big hero like you?


I believe I have found Klunk's headquarters. However, the door appears to be impenetrable.

It's a high security door, but your Gadgebots can unlock it.

Unfortunately, they can not repel in under water.

Step back.

Here is a casebook on Klunk's hideout.

Agent, this old munitions depot is the perfect spot for a secret lair. Not only is it extremely cool because it's underwater, but it also makes it very difficult to penetrate.

Once you do make it inside, you must find the command center. Klunk is probably controlling the entire operation from there.

Thank you

No problem, cutie!


Yes, yes-Clank, out!

You seem to be slowing down in your old age.

I am still spry enough to deal with traitorous scum like you.

Ah, still the righteous do-gooder. Have you learned nothing at all?

I have learned that there is a difference between right and wrong!

That's true, but it's not as black and white as you seem to think.

You can do the wrong things for the right reasons.

For example?
Let's start with the way you kowtow to that furry whatever-it-is.

He is dumber and weaker than you and yet you ride around on his back like some kid on a carousel.

Ratchet has proven his worth as a hero and a friend.

I am privileged to help him with his missions.

Ha! What a load of self-deluding garbage! If he is such a hero, why was it so easy to swap his helmet for my mind-control device and have him steal the Eye of Infinity for me?

I knew it! Ratchet would never act that way on his own!

Yes, but its amazing how easily those other squishies believed that he could.

You are better than that-I am better than that. We are designed to be superior and we should act like it.

What are you suggesting?

It's quite simple really. I'm going become a hero and make all the squishies in the galaxy bow to my every whim.

They will never believe you are a hero!

No, but they will believe you are. They just won't know that I-am you.

Huh hee hee!


Maybe you aren't as clever as I thought. Let me keep this simple for you.

A laser, using the Eye of Infinity as a refractor, is poised right now at the edge of the galaxy ready to blow up every planet with one shot.

Everyone believes Ratchet is responsible for it. I will quickly destroy you, which shouldn't be too hard, since you fight like a little girl. I will then broadcast my dismantling of the satellite disguised as you Everyone will think I am a hero and Ratchet will stay in jail forever.

'''Clank''': That was the simple version?

'''Klunk''': Hmm... I may have underestimated you. However, no plan is complete without a backup plan.

'''Clank''': Now what?

'''Klunk''': I have just activated the countdown timer for the satellite and I'm the only one who knows how to disarm it. If, by some miracle, you manage to defeat me this entire galaxy will be blown to smithereens. So either way I will be victorious. I look at it as sort of a win-win situation. I have 40 seconds to stop the satellite from destroying the galaxy.

'''Clank''': Klunk has blocked the teleporter with a passcode.

Try E-V-I-L.

'''Clank''': Nothing.

Umm-try Clank-is-a-big-fat-doodyhead?

'''Clank''': Hey, it worked!

Lucky guess.

Oh. Hello there.

Captain Qwark? This satellite is about to blow up the galaxy! I need your help!

Huh, you don't say. Well, I'm just going to take this teleporter back to the surface.

Good luck with that.

Qwark, you are now inside the satellite.

I'm- where?

There is no time to explain! You must remove the Eye of Infinity or we are all dead!

'''Qwark''': The whosa-whatsit?

The big-shiny thing! Take it out of the laser!

'''Qwark''': Oh, you mean this?

Now, where is the Eye?

'''Qwark''': Eeh-boom.

'''Clank''': Qwark?

'''Clank''': Thank you. I will see that this is returned to its rightful place.

Good evening Mr. President. I have the final report on Agent Clank's activities. After Clank and Qwark destroyed the satellite, Clank left to return the Eye of Infinity to the Museum. He also sent me information on the mind-control helmet that Klunk had been using to control Ratchet. As you can see by these images of test subjects, the helmet is quite powerful. The Agency recommends that Ratchet receive a full pardon We also discovered Captain Qwark's role in all of this. He had received a huge sum from an anonymous source to write his autobiography. He then decided that, in order to have incredible stories to tell, he would use a tracking device to follow Agent Clank and steal his glory. Unbeknownst to Qwark, the biographer assigned to him was working for the source, who turned out to be Klunk. Klunk, needing a way to keep tabs on Clank, knew that Qwark would do exactly what he did. After Klunk was destroyed, Barney told a very confused Qwark the entire plan.

When Qwark angrily tried to destroy Barney, things got interesting.

Payback time!


That was an explosive situation. He-he-he.

Barney had been programmed to kill Qwark if anything happened to Klunk.

Unfortunately, Clank heard the commotion and returned just in time to save him.

Once again, Clank has proven himself an invaluable Agent-and a sexy one at that.

Oh, sorry Mr. President. That concludes this report.

Sorry it took me so long to get you released from prison.

No problem. It was nice seeing some of my old friends, even if they were trying to kill me

So, how is it coming?

That oughta do er. Give it a try.

I was glad the President released Klunk into our custody. Looks like it sucks to be him.


Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.